Le Dance Pathetique…as choreographed by Miss Beverly Hills 2010…

Un…

The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Deux…

In Leviticus, it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination…

Trois…

…They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’

Quatre…

The Bible is pretty black and white.

Cinq…

I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone…I have a lot of friends that are gay…

Le Curtian…Applaus a Voux…

I’m walking home from work…my first working day after last week’s torrential snow storms.   The neighborhood looks mostly like this…

A lot of painstakingly shoveled out parking spots sprinkled between friggin’ huge piles where the snow got shoveled into.   You can appreciate that people are a tad defensive of the spots they’ve cleared out.

So anyway…I’m walking back home through my little Baltimore rowhouse neighborhood.   I come upon a big pickup truck parked in the middle of the street.   There is an equally large linebacker type of a guy walking around a ratty old pickup truck parked in a spot next to it.   He looks a tad…angry…

Me:   Someone take your space?

He: Yeah…

Me:   I think I’ve seen that truck around here before…

He:   GODDAMN SONOFABITCH LIVES OVER THERE AND HE’S MOVING IT RIGHT NOW OR HE ISN’T GOING TO BE DRIVING IT ANYWHERE FOR A LONG, LONG TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me:   Uh…well…good luck…

(Bruce continues walking down the street…)

Hopefully it was settled without any gunfire.   I am Not moving my car until the last snowpile has melted.   I’m just not.

Adios…Valentine’s Day 2010!     It was a blast.   Really.   But we’ve both changed.     We need some distance.   It’s not you, it’s me.   Let’s always stay friends.

Well it’s almost time to wrap up this year’s contest!   And I have to say, this year’s batch of embarrassingly sincere losers was the best ever.   A sentiment that probably makes our year one and year two losers feel even more left in the dust.   Every Valentine’s Day is a little more special then the last one, for that very reason.

But we have one last batch of also-rans to celebrate here…

Let’s all give this year’s losers a drink and some helpful advice about getting out more often and meeting people!

Coming next…the Winner!   You might want to look away…

Here’s another batch of worthy hopefuls whose dream of winning the big prize were torn to bits by cruel reality.   What would Valentine’s Day be without that?   Lots and lots of it in fact…

We have a couple more worthy contestants to keep twisting slowly, slowly in the wind a little while longer.     But isn’t that desperately remote, almost laughable chance of success worth it?     Who knows…maybe…just maybe…

Hahahaha…   No.   But like lemmings to a cliff they will try.   And what would Valentine’s Day be without them?

Well right off the bat we have four very worthy entries for our contest!   These entries would have easily won top honors hadn’t there been others that completely dashed their hopes of glory and left them mere broken shells of their former selves.   But isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is all about?

Let’s all give these hopeful loosers a friendly pat on the back and a very brief but sincere look of understanding…

More hopeful dreams will be dashed on the rocky shore of cold reality tomorrow…but we’ll keep them on the hook for a while longer, tossing and turning all night long hoping…hoping…knowing how futile their quest ultimately is, yet unable to completely let go of that little sliver of ridiculously wishful thinking.   There is simply no other holiday in the calendar that speaks more about the human heart then Valentine’s Day.   Unless it’s National Cut Off The Gas And Electricity To The Unemployed When The Temperature Is 20 Below Day.

And then…the winner gets the Valentine’s Day heart!

I was seriously considering skipping this year’s contest, on the basis that unfulfilled expectations are part of the fun too.   Then a friend sent this extremely helpful link along…

What would Valentine’s Day be without an opportunity to mention the three-letter word that gets everyone so riled up? Yes, you guessed it–I’m talking about at a little S-E-X. So, let’s chat, shall we? Beyond being just one-heck-of-good-time, medical studies report that an active sex life contributes to a longer and more fulfilling life…

Well who needs a longer and more fulfilling life when you can join in the fun of The Third Annual Casa del Garrett Valentine’s Day Poster Contest!!!

Er…except you can’t.   See…the deadline for new entries has already passed.   Sorry.   But that feeling of being left out of all the fun is actually Part Of The FUN!

Let’s start the fun by reviewing some worthy entries from past contests.   These contestants gave it their all…which makes their failure to win the Big Prize its own very special Valentine’s Day win!

Here’s a couple fabulous losers from our First Annual Poster Contest…

And here’s some wonderful losers from the Second Annual Contest…

These exceptionally worthy contestants all received our very special Sorry But Your Best Is Not Good Enough consolation prize which can be redeemed at last call in any bar on Valentine’s Day for a pat on the back and an understanding look.

Our winners though, like the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come, were truly one with the spirit of the holiday.   Here’s our First Annual first place Winner!

Our Second Annual Contest resulted in a tie.   Here’s one of the lucky winners…

This year’s crop of entries is clearly going to have to work hard to achieve glory.   They are going to have to give it everything they’ve got and then some…only to fail miserably after having come oh-so-close.   How many dazzlingly inevitable crashes and burns will we enjoy this year?   I swear, this is better then watching democrats trying to pass a health care bill.     So tomorrow…let the bleeding begin!