June 3rd, 2012
Who Was I To Think I’d Be The Lucky One…
“Maybe not,” she said as we came to the car. “But maybe that isn’t so bad. You can’t love anyone that way more than once in a lifetime. It’s too hard and it hurts too much when it ends. The first boy is always the hardest to get over, Haven. It’s just the way the world works.”
—Sarah Dessen, “That Summer”
The reason I buy lottery tickets is my luck can’t be any worse at that then it is in love. Forty years to get the broken heart I should have got back in high school, but didn’t because back in 1972 a boy couldn’t tell anyone he was in love with another boy.
Oh…am I whining now? Fuck you.
June 5th, 2012 at 3:05 am
Just guessing, so you’ve had your first and he’s gone. Sorry. I would like to say it gets better, but who knows. Love of self rules.
June 5th, 2012 at 6:07 am
Thanks Dushuma. Â It’s I found my first after 34 years of searching for him and discovered what a lot of love struck innocents who go looking for their first love discover: he’s not the guy I thought he was. Â We get on each others nerves.
I bring out a bitter, mean streak in him. Â I think he’s resentful of the way things have turned out for me in my working life, the job I have and the fact that I’ve made a somewhat decent life for myself as an out gay man and when he’s around me he just wants to put me in my place which gets on my nerves after a while and the slightest pushback on my part gets him all angry. I though we would just click like we did back in school, and for a while we really did and I was so happy. But then something happened, I don’t know what, some family issue came up, and he got all bitter and mean and whenever we see each other now it ends badly.
Had we enough time together long ago we’d have probably found out eventually that we weren’t that good of a match and I’d have had my heartbreak back then and got over it. But his family moved and I searched for him for years. Â They say you shouldn’t do that but I had to.