Why We Fight…(continued)
…and why I’m so thrilled that our gutter crawling bigot of a Governor John Ehrlich got the boot last Tuesday. In May of 2005, Ehrlich vetoed a domestic partnership bill, saying it would "…open the door to undermine the sanctity of traditional marriage." This was, some of us noted, at a time when he was conducting a whisper smear campaign against the family of Baltimore Mayor O’Malley, who everyone figured would be his democratic challenger in the upcoming election. Ehrlich and his henchmen spread lies that O’Mally was having secret extramarital affairs utterly without concern for the effect on O’Malley’s wife and children. So much for the sanctity of marriage.
Ehrlich Vetoes Bill Extending Rights to Gay Couples
Maryland Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. vetoed a bill yesterday that would have granted rights to gay partners who register with the state, concluding after weeks of intense deliberations that the legislation threatened "the sanctity of traditional marriage."
The emotionally charged bill was among 24 that Ehrlich (R) rejected yesterday afternoon, including legislation to raise the state’s minimum wage by $1, allow early voting in elections and heighten oversight of the state’s troubled juvenile justice system. Another measure sought by gay rights activists that would have extended a property transfer tax exemption to domestic partners was also scuttled.
(Emphasis mine) His staff made a big noise to the news media afterward that he would "probably" sign the bill adding gay people to Maryland’s anti-discrimination laws. But that was another of his little moves to the middle made only when he knew he had no choice. The statehouse would have overridden a veto of that particular bill and he knew it. But it was useful to put the word out there that he’d sign it, because he’d just made a move which shocked, shocked, the chattering class…
Ehrlich’s decision to side, almost without exception, with business interests and social conservatives surprised some analysts, who thought he might try to burnish his credentials as a moderate by allowing some of the session’s more controversial bills to become law.
Most of the legislation vetoed yesterday had been strongly opposed by Republican lawmakers. But Ehrlich’s appeal to swing voters was key to his 2002 election in a state where registered Democrats still hold a nearly 2-to-1 advantage.
"I think it’s just breathtaking that he’s casting his lot with the right wing of his party," said Tom Hucker, executive director of Progressive Maryland…"He ran for governor as the moderate, affable son of an automobile dealer who would stick up for working-class families."
No it wasn’t breathtaking. It was eminently predictable. Ehrlich ran as a moderate. But he wasn’t. A simple glance at his political career would have made it obvious to anyone. He’s pure Ellen Sauerbrey Republican, and there are no moderates in the Maryland republican party since the Sauerbrey wing took it over.
A leading Republican lawmaker praised him for making "a principled decision."
"I know the governor wrestled with this decision because he may be sympathetic to some of the intentions," said House Minority Whip Anthony J. O’Donnell (R-Calvert). "But sometimes bad laws are the result of good intentions."
Modeled after laws in California, Hawaii and other states, the legislation would have granted nearly a dozen rights to unmarried partners who register with the state. Among those: the right to be treated as an immediate family member during hospital visits, to make health care decisions for incapacitated partners and to have private visits in nursing homes.
A principled decision. Anyone who knows a same sex couple, knows exactly the threat that constantly hangs over them from their lack of legal recognition…
A woman who could have benefited from the bill, Stacey Kargman-Kaye of Baltimore, said yesterday that she was heartbroken. "I don’t understand how a human being who has a significant other and children could not see the need for this," she said.
Kargman-Kaye, 37, said that after she emerged from heart surgery five years ago, a nurse literally pushed away her longtime partner, who was there to support her, "because we’re not considered a family in the eyes of Maryland."
But republicans just can’t seem to twist the knife in us enough…
A group of conservative activists had launched a petition drive in recent weeks that sought to repeal the bill if it became law. They argued that it was part of a "homosexual agenda" advancing in Annapolis. Maryland allows residents to put legislation passed by the General Assembly to a public vote if enough signatures are gathered.
Del. Donald H. Dwyer Jr. (R-Anne Arundel), a leader of the petition drive, said organizers would soon decide whether to continue, in case lawmakers override Ehrlich’s veto in January. Dwyer said he was "very pleased that the governor has sent a strong message about the morality of the state."
Dwyer had been puking anti-gay venom into the Maryland statehouse for years now, and I am delighted to say he lost in his bid for re-election this year. Good riddence. Perhaps the voters in Anne Arundel Country had just about enough of his brand of morality…
Baltimore man wins gravesite battle
A gay Baltimore man has won a courtroom battle to keep his late partner buried in the Tennessee grave the two men chose.
But the victory is not absolute. Kevin-Douglas Olive said the parents of Russell Groff have indicated they plan to appeal the Nov. 2 ruling that Olive received Thursday.
“This is awesome,” Olive said. “It may not be over if they appeal, but I feel so good.”
Baltimore City Orphans’ Court Judge Karen Friedman ruled against Lowell and Carolyn Groff, who sought to overturn their son’s will and move his body to a family cemetery.
Groff’s parents argued in court Sept. 25 and 26 that their 26-year-old son didn’t know what he was doing when he completed his will and burial instructions shortly before his death on Nov. 23, 2004.
Groff, who was HIV-positive, died from a staph infection that spread throughout his body.
Olive said Groff was estranged from his parents at the time of his death, and completed a will and burial instructions in anticipation of the legal battle.
So he knew what he was doing all right. He knew his own parents would try to take him from the man he loved after death. And they tried. And they might Still succeed. Morality.
Olive, who married Groff according to local Quaker tradition in 2003, said his battle illuminates the need for equal marriage rights for gay couples.
“I won, but I wouldn’t have had to go through this at all if the state had some sort of provision that allowed my partner and I to have legalized our relationship in some sense,” he said. “This is kind of bittersweet because I had to go through a lot of shit to get this.”
A principled decision… That simple Quaker marriage of two young men in love in 2003 did nothing, Nothing to harm the marriage of any heterosexual couple in this state, or anywhere else. It takes nothing away from anyone save for this one thing: the ability to twist the knife in the broken heart of a gay person who has just lost the love of their lives. There is no pain like the loss of a loved one. What kind of person wants to make that bottomless loss even harder for someone to bear? What kind of person sees righteousness in it?
You have to utterly dehumanize the person who suffers. (Homosexuals don’t love, they just have sex…) But before you can do that, you have to take your conscience around behind the barn and kill it. And you do that, so you can make other people scapegoats for everything fine and noble and honorable that a human being could be, that you could never live up to. All your cheap failures of character, all your pathetic evasions of reality, all those need a scapegoat. Otherwise, you’ve only yourself to blame. And the best scapegoat of all, the one you can hate the most without reservation, is the one who faced their life squarely, honestly, and honorably, and became everything a human being can, that you could never be. It isn’t the sanctity of marriage but the sanctity of gay bashing that they’re afraid of loosing. Because if we don’t bleed, if we can’t be made to bleed, then they’re not righteous.
Why we fight:
November 14th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
The court battle is not over, our son was buried like a piece of garbage, in a pine box, in a woods, where his grave will grow up with weeds. There is no perputal care. We will not stop till we get his remains buried properly, in a vault, in his family cemetery. You don’t bury someone you love like this. This has been very painful to go through all of this, losing our son, who was our live. Dealing with all of the evil that has been done. We have not been able to mourn our son, who was involved in a life style that destroyed his beautiful life, wasted, just never having a change to be somebody. He should not be dead!!! He was in essence brainwashed and endoctrinated into this lifestyle. He was controlled, manipulated, and alienated from the parents who loved him so much. This is the norm, though in a homosexual relationship. If this was such a loving relationship, why did he die of AIDS!!!! The burden of proof was fulfilled, but not accepted. Mr. Olive should not yet celebrate! We will appeal! We know the opponent has moved on, and yet he will not even return the precious items that meant something to his family. He dumped his belongings in his wet damp basement, instead of returing them to his family. He did return his silver trumpit, before the mediation meeting,( slipping it to where the Judge couldn’t see the damage after storing it in his wet damp basement)where he dumped his precious pocessions). $470.00 damage was done to his trumpit, and a lot of it was done intentionally. Russell prized his trumpit, and took such good care of it. It is rusted on the trumpets mov ing parts, and the case is damaged so badly. Even sharp instruments have been gouged in the handle. The instrument name tag has been scrapped with a sharp instrument, and pried up. The place where we bought it for him, couldn’t believe th intentional damage. Dents all over, and when Russell took it back in 2001, it was in ment condition. Yet this was not even presented in court. We purchased it for Russell, and it is ruined, on purpose. Some other things he returned were ruined too. Even his Bible was musty, most of his books were ruined. His college diploma was not returned, with his tassels. This is very cruel. His “partner” told the court that he had few pocessions, which was not true. We are ready for an appeal, and feel with the eveidence that will be presented, we will win our son’s body. We are the only ones who love our son, and we have proven that.
November 14th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Gay marriage was defeated in Tennessee, and it should never be allowed in any state. This death of our son is the reason for such a statement. This gay marriage thing is a such a violation of the traditional marriage, and we know how sick it is. The encouragement of such rights is giving more press to the horrific lifestyle, not rights under the constitution, and certainly not under God’s word. We have been called everything by Mr. Olive, and have been slandered by he and his parents, and we will stand tall, and fight the battle ahead, because we have God on our side. We do not know the reason for our suffering, but we will be still and listen to God and what he wants tus to do, because he is our creator, and he created one man, one woman for marriage. Children being raised that Homosexual marriage is acceptable is very confusing to them. I hope that there are enough conservative Christians, that we can stand and fight this decline of our nation.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
Folks…you’re telling me two things here. You’re telling me Exactly why your son was estranged from you, and you’re telling me Exactly why he made sure his spouse had his will. Thank you for making all this perfectly clear.
November 14th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
To the person who thinks he knows why our son was estranged from us………… Who are you kidding…………? You know nothing! You should know the things that were done to keep our son from us. This is the preception that has been given. CONTROL, was the reason. Our son was not estranged from us, we did everything we could to keep him in our lives. You know nothing of the pain and suffering we went through, because of this homosexual lifestyle. Knowing your son might die because of the way he was living, and then it all come true………….. Don’t you make inundos about knowing anything about our son and us. The will was forced on him when he was not competent to sign it. Why didn’t he do it when he was able to, instead of two days before he died???? He didn’t want to have things the way they turned out, Russell was taken advantage of when he was sick, and that is all there is to it. I am only answering what I can about this, since we are in the process of appealing. Just so you know, you don’t have any idea of what has happened. I hope that your parents don’t have to suffer as we have, and I certainly don’t wish that you would die of AIDS, and suffer as my son did. The worst part of it, is that the parents who loved him so much were not allowed to see him when he was sick, and to say goodbye. He loved his family. He certainly would have had a decent funeral, and not have been buried like garbage. Russell had a good life, and would still be alive, if it weren’t for the homosexual lifestyle! I will pray for you!
November 20th, 2006 at 4:26 am
The saddest part of all this is that the parents and husband could have comforted one another. But the parents are so lost in their delusions of what a “homosexual lifestyle” is, that they have lost sight of their own son, as he truly was. Russell certainly would have allowed his parents to say goodbye if they really had loved him, instead of some chimera.
Parents of gay kids aren’t the only ones doing this. I see it all the time in my son’s straight friends. They wound deeply the children they have, because they aren’t someone else!? At least that’s my theory. Otherwise, I can put no meaning to it that I can accept.
Parents, love the child you HAVE, just the way they are. As Russell’s parents have found out, there is no guarantee that your child will live another day.
I really pity the parents who can’t SEE their children longing for their love. They are missing out on so much joy.
Valorie, mother of both straight and gay children
December 8th, 2006 at 10:54 am
Valerie.
You are to be pitied, you do not know the situation. We loved our son unconditionally, the way Christ loves us all, and died on the Cross for our sins. We always loved Russell, but did not condone the sin he was living in. This was fine with Russell to have us in his life, and while not condoning the sin. Which, by the way, was an understanding between Russell and his parents.
In our opinion, he was influenced to alienate himself from his family. The parents of this young, beautiful, talented young man who made everyone laugh, is heart broken. The reason he is dead is the life he was living. There is no “husband”, in our opinion, this is such a shame for this to be used along side of the name parents, who loved and nurtured this young man for 26 years. Homosexual marriage is illegal in Maryland as in Tennessee. I do believe, and this is in my opinion, that the people who commited this illegal act, should have fines imposed on them. In my opinion, this is a law broken. Everything I say is twisted and turned, and we have been slandered, and our character has been beaten down. I feel for the parents who have their sons and daughters to this needless death. AIDS is not an issue I take lightly, and just how did he get AIDS?
You need to search your heart about what you have just said, and I will pray for you! Of course, the last time I said this, it was deleted.
December 8th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
Of course, the last time I said this, it was deleted.
You must be thinking of some other blog that you’ve been dispensing bile onto. I haven’t deleted a single thing you’ve posted here. Why would I want to? You’ve been busy making one of the best arguments I’ve read anywhere for same sex marriage.
Same sex marriage is not illegal in Maryland. It is just not recognized by state law. However wills between same sex couples here in Maryland, unlike in Virginia, are. So you would have needed to prove Russell didn’t know what he was doing when he made his. What you’ve been proving in here Every Time You Post is that he knew Exactly what he was doing. There’s no way he couldn’t have known the depth of your venomous contempt for him, for his spouse, and for their relationship. In one sentence it’s “This was fine with Russell to have us in his life, and while not condoning the sin…” and then one sentence later it’s “In our opinion, he was influenced to alienate himself from his family.” So it wasn’t fine at all, was it. He knew how you felt. The only people you were fooling with this love the sinner hate the sin crap, was yourselves. And now the chances for a reconciliation are gone, and you need someone to blame.
Try a mirror.
Someone who knew Russell and Kevin, and who is himself a Quaker, tells me that Russell’s burial in Tennessee, and not here in Maryland, was an attempt at conciliation. Your son was married in a simple Quaker ceremony. He was buried in a simple Quaker observance in a Quaker cemetery, and not like a piece of human garbage as you claim, pine box notwithstanding. I’ve met Quakers. I have Quaker neighbors. They are decent, respectful, simple-living peacemakers, and I can well believe, if you cannot, that they would try, that they would Still try, sincerely and in good faith, to make peace with you over this. I’d as soon laugh in your face. But they won’t. No matter how much you spit at them, they won’t.
But all you want to do is lash out at the man he loved, and everyone he called a friend in this life, and it’s staringly obvious that the grief within you is being comforted by hate. Hate that is leading you step by step to the edge of a pit that I’ve never seen anyone claw their way back out of. Ever. It’s taking root in you, and becoming a festering boil of prejudice and loathing toward not only Kevin, but all gay people everywhere. Soon it will be all the friends of gay people too. Then it will be their families. Then it will be their churches. Then it will be their neighbors. And one day you’ll open your eyes on a world that you won’t be able to hate enough. But you’ll try.
If I know anything about Quakers they’re all still extending a hand of fellowship to you, willing, and even hopeful, that someday you’ll reach back out to them in something other then this pitiful nail spitting contempt. You need to take that hand, and quickly, because the hate that has you by the collar is going to take everything away from you that was ever decent and kind and good. It will take the place of everything that you ever valued, including, grain by grain, your love of God, so deftly you will never know what moment it was when your prayers finally stopped being expressions of devotion, and became daggers thrown at everyone you utterly loath. Pious little daggers with Jesus’ name on them.
You’re already a long way down that road. Maybe too far. You son was in love, and he was loved. All you’ve done is show me, in more detail then I really ever cared to know, how that simple, powerful, profound human emotion is utterly beyond your ability to grasp or comprehend. If I’m wrong about that, I’m not wrong about this: if you don’t stop and look at what you’re doing to yourselves…Now…it won’t be very much longer before you can’t. There is no bottom to the Pit you’re staring into. Walk away from it. Never mind who wronged you. Never mind how much it hurts. Walk away from it. It’s probably now or never.
December 11th, 2006 at 7:21 pm
We won’t be posting any more on your website, we feel we have showed what you and others are capable of because of the homosexual agenda. You are the one who is spitting venon. May God have mercy on you and all that have taken part in this lie.
February 20th, 2007 at 6:53 am
Carolyn and
There are a couple of things you’ve said I want to comment on: This is the preception that has been given. CONTROL, was the reason. Our son was not estranged from us, we did everything we could to keep him in our lives. You know nothing of the pain and suffering we went through, because of this homosexual lifestyle… In our opinion, he was influenced to alienate himself from his family.
I was brough up by parents who are probably very similar to you; they are loving, generous, honourable and, above all, God-fearing. However their revulsion at my desire to have a stable, loving, monogamous relationship with a man has caused a rift between us which will not easily be bridged. I have had to distance myself from them because spending time with them was causing me more heart-ache than I could bear. My parents did not intentionally push me away, but they made our relationship so difficult and draining that I had no choice but to do so myself, for my own self-protection – the internal battle between wanting to please them and needing to be loved by a partner was literally killing me.
I was never influenced to alienate myself from my family; quite the opposite in fact – many of my closer friends – both gay and straight – counselled against it, knowing full well the pain of being in such a situation. Should I ever find myself in a situation like the one Russell was in, I would do exactly as he did: seek to ensure that there be no question over my wishes by making a Will.
I suspect your real motive in having your son’s body moved is an attempt at continued control: you want to scrub out anything that could remind you of how he died, of the fact that he didn’t match up to your idea of what a Christian should be. The fact this it’s Russell’s husband who is defending his will makes it all the easier – Kevin-Douglas embodies everything that you believe was sinful in Russell’s life, so it’s easy to attack him without feeling guilt.
I don’t know if you consider Kevin-Douglas to be a Christian; I think you should since, regardless of your stance on homosexuality, I do not believe that there is any sin that cannot be cleansed by Christ’s blood. So please consider what you are doing in the light of Christ’s words: Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift (KJV). Christ sacrificed his life so that we may gain ours, but we cannot claim that sacrifice, and gain that forgiveness, unless we are willing to seek forgiveness from each-other. By attacking Kevin-Douglas, by refusing to show him love and comfort during your shared time of mourning, you are risking your own share in Christ’s sacrificial forgiveness.
I do not think this is what Russell wanted for any of you.
February 21st, 2007 at 7:51 am
Friends
I just found this website that I didn’t know exist. Thank you for your support. It’s one of the reasons I’ve stayed in MD as opposed to moving elsewhere. Like North Carolina, it’s a sea of humility between two mountains of conceit. (And if you don’t believe THAT about PA, remember, it’s Philly & Pittsburgh with Alabama in between!)
*ahem*
Please don’t hate the Groffs. I can’t address anything, obviously, about the on going case but indeed the judge did rule in our favor. Many people never write wills until the day before they die, though we didn’t know Russell was dying when he wrote the will. Yes, he was HIV positive, but what killed him was sepsis from a gall-bladder drain that went bad. He was making rapid progress in rehab until that change. The entire box office of Center Stage, 300 people who signed our wedding certificate, my students and their parents, the West Knoxville, Homewood and Stony Run Friends Meetings can all attest to our committment to one another. I never knew Mr. and Mrs. Groff. I met them once and I think both of us can agree it wasn’t pleasant. This was in 2001 before 9/11. I have the letter my Russell wrote my mother about why, after a brief period of separation back in the SUmmer of 2001, he was coming back. I never knew it existed until he died. I have the love poems he wrote me, one of which he wrote on our 6th anniversary and stated prophetically “So that when all else that we know, fails us, the world, everyone in it, even our own flesh, when one of us calls, there will always be an answer in the ringing of the silence.”
And no matter what happens, I am not estranged from his entire family. I’ve stayed in Washington with his brother and my nephew adores me. It was so funny! He LOVED these yellow crocs that I was wearing, and so when I was in Rehoboth beach, I bought him some that were a bit large so he could wear them for a while (he’s a toddler with a vocabulary 3 years older than him). When the ‘rents gave him the shoes they were big and Wally suggested that he put the strap behind his ankles so they’d stay on. He refused! He said “That’s not how Kevin wore them!” Months later! yay! The kid is a GENIUS, and I’m a teacher so I qualify. (no, I’m not biased). His parents are awesome people and awesome parents. So I don’t want it to seem that the entire family opposes Russ’ wishes. It is just Mr. and Mrs. Groff.
I was at a Quaker conference this weekend, where I realized in the silence of our first meeting for worship what my condition was. A disabled Friend who I confess I’ve avoided talking to out of discomfort spoke out of the silence. Because he can’t speak well, it took many Friends to figure out what he was saying and help him deliver his vocal ministry. His message: he went to see Jesus camp and was appalled at the Christianity he saw in the movie, but was even more appalled at the audience who laughed. He felt they were also laughing at Jesus. “How have we let this happen, Friends?” It hit me hard. Then another Friend spoke about how this reaction to Jesus and conservatives comes from fear and misunderstanding. Then another said and fear leads to anger. (and so on . . .). I at first felt so safe! I hadn’t realized that I hadn’t felt safe before the gathering! Then the vocal ministry spoke to that of God in me and answered my condition. I’m terrified, friends. I haven’t felt this way since I was in grade school and I heard “faggot” and “sissy” every day. I didn’t even know I was gay, but the kids in my TN school did! And as much as I thought I was beyond being threatened by this, this case just reminds me how vulnerable I am as a gay man. I am loathed. I am not trusted. I am damned, not by God but by some of those who would use the term Christian. I began to cringe at anything Christian, get road rage, get frustrated with myself. . . so at this worship, I just released my thoughts to the Light and the very image that God showed me was Mrs. Groff. And I wept. I wanted to hug her. I wanted her to hold me. I remembered that when Russell died, my mom was there with me, but there was one woman who could comfort me in a way no other woman could — Russell’s own mom. And this will never happen. She could tell me more about the Russell she knew and loved but I didn’t know, except what gleanings I got from Russell himself and his brother. I could tell her more about the Russell she feels she lost, who quit speaking to her after her refusal to come to our wedding. I couldn’t tell her Russell was sick, Russell had the doctors write in his medical records that they were not to be notified and trust me the doctors tried to get him to. IT wasn’t until my power of attorney kicked in where I called his brother, against Russ’ wishes, and his brother and sister flew immediately to Baltimore to see Russ. And Russ made a rapid recovery. We all believed that RUssell would get better and we never told the parents what happened, even though maybe it would have been kind. But Russell is not to be told, and it was his decision. To him, his past life with his family had changed, and he focused on his siblings who regardless of their opinions on our relationship (his sister has never made it clear to me what her thoughts are but has always been very nice and kind — she’s a wonderful person too). Unfortunately, like I said, his gall bladder drain went septic during rehab and it spread.
Please don’t worry about my well being: financially I’m stretched. But help will come. I’m talking to someone regularly, I go to worship regularly, I have many of Russ’ colleagues and friends and my own around me. And I have my wonderful family (including Russ’ brother’s family) checking in on me as well. I’m amazed at the scores of people I don’t know reaching out to me.
But again, please don’t hate the Groffs. Mrs. Groff is coming from a place of pain, grief and it’s clear she won’t or can’t understand. She’s no less a child of God.
KD