Tired. Just Tired Of It All…
I sat down when I came home from work today, and started writing a post about Maureen Mullarkey, the pretentious jackass of a painter slash art critic who painted gay pride parades and was discovered to have donated a thousand dollars to help pass Proposition 8. I have it all pretty well written out in my head just now. I actually started writing it a moment ago. And then I just go tired.
I’m sick of this fight. Just sick of it. I never wanted my life to be a war zone. I never wanted to be the scapegoat for every cheap character flaw that heterosexuals are ashamed of. I never wanted my hopes and dreams of love to be other people’s stepping stones to heaven. But this is the world I was born into.
So I’m sitting here listening to Debussy’s Reverie, and the world I thought I was going to grow up in, and the life I thought I was going to have, keeps coming back into view from between the notes, keeps floating out there in the melodies…just out of reach…and I just can’t keep on writing my post. I’m sick of it all. Just sick of it. I think of this monster with a paint brush using our lives to gratify her soulless ego…selling our lives in her art gallery…cutting our ring fingers off without compunction while selling her twisted vision of our lives to the highest bidder…and I just want to walk away from this world. I really do. Except there is nowhere to go.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
It’s OK to retreat and get some R&R. They cycle soldiers off of the front lines when battle fatigue sets in.
Don’t let them win by letting it all grind you down. The best revenge is living well.
Just walk away from it, if only for a while. You’ve already done FAR FAR more then 90% of the Gay populous.
It is a noble and worthy fight, and you are more then noble and worthy for your service. But sometimes the best strategy for all involved is to step away from it, recoup, and take care of yourself.
I know personally that it is not easy to just turn your mind off and ignore certain problems and issues.
Or maybe take a different approach to the battle? Go volunteer at whatever local Gay community center there is. Tell them you only want happy, fun things to do.
February 7th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Volunteering *anywhere* is good. Yes, this blog is fighting the war, because you are doing your bit to spread good information and good thinking around the globe. But it’s solitary — just your head through your fingers into the blogosphere. Volunteering is dealing with actual folks. Helping out at the animal shelter or serving up soup while wearing your equality T-shirt is just as valuable as working at the gay issues/projects, IMO.
But basically, whatever feeds your soul is a Good Thing.
I love you Bruce! <3
February 7th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I know the feeling, Bruce. That sense of fatigue in the face of willful ignorance is a familiar one. But we’re human and we can’t personally fight every battle that needs to be fought. You fight way more than your share.