To the ersatz friend who couldn’t be bothered to introduce me to, or even give me a contact lead on the cute single gay guy who he told me sounded like a perfect match for me: In your next life may you be as lonely as I was in this one.  Then maybe you’ll appreciate the fantastic luck you’ve had in this one enough to understand why what you did hurt so much.

To the ersatz friend who told me I was too homely to get the kind of boyfriend I wanted: Swear to god I had no idea you were so shallow.

To my idiot neighbors who park multiple large vehicles on our street, and the occasional broken down boat trailer, without a shred of thought for the other people who live here: This isn’t the suburbs jackass, and Redfern Avenue isn’t your own private driveway.  Check your deed in case you are confused about that.  Need more parking space?  Put it in your back yard.

To the morons who drag shopping carts full to overflowing to the self checkout counters…oh…wait…I dealt with them in a previous post didn’t I…?

To the jackass neighbor across the alley from me with the bright motion activated spotlight: If you have that thing out there to light up your backyard then I have a suggestion…try pointing it at…you know…your back yard, not up in the sky where it can shine into my bedroom windows like a goddamned searchlight.  Or are you watching for incoming enemy bombers too?

To the careless nitwit at the Valley Motors body shop who didn’t bother checking my rear bumper for structural damage when I brought the car in after it was rear ended: I hope your car drops a connecting rod into your lap while you’re passing a slow tractor trailer up a steep hill on a narrow country road in the only passing zone for the next 20 miles.

More cheerful Festivus complaining can be found Here…

to the s/o:fark your xbox 360! i’m in the farkING ROOM with you. Talk to me!! Put down the goddarned controller and have a CONVERSATION with me! Look at me! Notice that i am in the ROOM with you, or cooking for you, or cleaning your house or doing your laundry! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR farkING DAY!!! Am i not WORTHY of your time because i’m not an RPG or a FPS or an RTS? How about when we do watch TV together, you turn of G4/TECHtv’s xbox360 video game review shows and watch something other than Adam Sessler????

The Nevada unemployment office, chase bank, the T.V. theme from Duck Tales, and Nevada drivers who text while they drive can all go straight to hell.

To my upstairs neighbors: Turn down your classic rock, if I hear Taking Care of Business one more time I will destroy your fuse box with an axe, giggling like a school girl the entire time.

To the middle aged harpies in the grocery store: If I’m pregnant, my stomach IS NOT there for you to touch at will. If you didn’t put it there, don’t touch it.

To my asshole boyfriend who lied to me this morning so he could get out of going to my OB appointment….so glad I spent hundreds of dollars and many hours shopping for your Christmas desires so you could could hide your balls and not be a part of the pregnancy YOU WANTED. The toilet was scrubbed with your toothbrush this morning, again…after I smooshed a fly with it. ASSHOLE.

To my sister: The thing that all your shiatty boyfriends have in common with each other is you.

To my mom: who forces me to attend church on Christmas Eve. I’ve told you a billion times, "I don’t believe that farking virgin birth story." Also, having a Starbucks & a Chick-fil-a inside your church is just WRONG and it’s sad that you can’t see that!!

To my brother: I swear to Ceiling Cat, if you don’t stop giving me a hard time about being a vegetarian, I will kick you in the nads.

To my roommate: I hate your boyfriend and I want him off my couch. Get rid of him and we can be friends again.
To my roommate’s boyfriend: STFU. No one cares what you have to say about EVERYTHING. And get off my couch. And for that matter, my rooommate.

…and so much more!  Festivus will officially end later tonight when Bruce is pinned to the ground during the Feats Of Strength by a trash bag full of old computer manuals he is taking to the recycling drop-off…