In Which Bruce Let’s His Inner Arrogant Elitist Technocrat Out To Vent For A Bit…
Ahem…
To The Three Dim Bulbs With Full Shopping Carts Who Monopolized The Self Checkouts At The Superfresh Just Up The Street: Thank you for wasting the precious minutes of the lives of everyone in the long line that developed behind you, watching you struggle to cope with a device even someone with a lead pipe shoved through their brains could figure out how to use. But not you apparently. Oh…and with shopping carts half full of unlabeled produce no less. Which means you have to flail around for five or ten minutes trying to figure out what you have in your hands and then how to enter the produce code for it, and then ohmyfuckinggod how to weigh the motherfucking thing and then remember that you have to put it in the fucking bag when your done. Nice. I’m talking to you Mrs Upscale Granola Lady, who probably knows the precise nutritional value of every motherfucking one of those bananas and carrot sticks and broccoli heads and other produce section crap you loaded your shopping cart up with, but can’t be bothered to learn how to use a goddamned self checkout machine before you fucking walk up to it. Oh…and You, Mr. Middle-Aged Overweight Sports Slacks Polo Shirt And Golf Cap. The patient as a saint lady behind the service counter had to walk up and help you fourteen, count em, fourteen times while you tried valiantly to do what the goddamned screen prompts were telling you to fucking do in the first place. Like…you know…place the item in the bag after you’d scanned it. Let me give you a hint…just between you and me… Scan your motherfucking coupons in by placing the bar code face Down. Moron. Oh…and swipe your credit card on the side with the goddamned magnetic strip on it. You didn’t have to try another card. The first one you picked out of that wallet full of plastic would have worked if you’d just…you know…swiped correctly. Jackass. Do you even Know what that magnetic stripe on the card is for? No…it’s not for sticking your credit card to the refrigerator door. I hope your wife is paying your bills because you’d be licking the wrong side of the envelope flap before you mailed them. With the wrong checks inside the envelops. When you were done the bagging side of that self checkout machine was so full I swear I thought it was going to tip over. And sure enough it took you another…what…five minutes…to carefully…meticulously…re-pack your shopping cart while the self checkout machine just sat there waiting for the next customer. Good thing the lady behind the service counter came over to help you with that mentally challenging task or you’d have been there for the rest of the afternoon. Let me guess…it was too much like having to put the square pegs in the square holes in kindergarten wasn’t it? The bags…they don’t fit…maybe if I placed the one with the bread in it underneath the one with the three two-liter bottles of Coke in it… Golly…the line behind you folks sure cleared out fast once you got the hell out of the way didn’t it? I have a wee suggestion. Next time you’re buying groceries, use the regular checkout lines. The time you save getting to the front of the self checkout lanes, because most of the people using them are only buying just a few items, you loose in spades because you just don’t fucking have a clue. Admit it. Embrace your destiny. You are not qualified to check yourself out of a mental hospital, let alone a grocery store. Use the regular checkout lines. Trust me…the folks who are being paid to scan your items, weigh your produce, enter the produce codes, and bag everything, do it a hell of a lot faster then you. You will get out of the store quicker, even if you don’t get to the head of the line quicker. And you won’t have a long line of people behind you, all picturing how good it would feel to cut your empty head off, place it on the scanner tray, enter the produce code on the touch screen for Inconsiderate Time Sucking Asshole and stuff it in one of those little plastic grocery bags.
Okay…done…
October 26th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Forgive me for laughing at your pain…I actually WORK at a grocery store, and I see all varieties of stupid people there on a daily basis.
How about people who pause to collect themselves in front of the exit door (or entrance) holding people up behind them.
How about people who throw garbage in the bins reserved for plastic bags (which are always clearly labeled.)
Customers in the bottle return who MUST summon the beleagured clerk because one bottle didn’t go through the machine (I usually just give them my change if I have any)
Customers who set trash on TOP of the can rather than putting it in.
Customers who bring bags of trash from home, dump them in a shopping cart, and drive away (Unfortunately, I NEVER catch these people in the act.)
One customer has a habit of strewing chunks of bread in the parking lot to "feed the birds", whichh I’m sorry, we don’t want in the parking lot. (Not all people like having birds swoop at their heads while they’re trying to get to their cars.)
Customers who request you help, and then wander off while you’re in the back looking for the item they wanted.
Customers who think "No Parking-Fire Lane" means "Space Reserved For Douchebags"
Customers who simply create their own parking space .
Customers who leave perishable items on unrefrigerated shelves because they don’t want to walk back to the freezer OR give the item to an associate so it doesn’t melt.
I could go on…unfortunately.
October 26th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
No…go ahead and laugh…I have to laugh sometimes too…
I’ve only worked in retail a few times in my life, and I have enormous respect for the people trying to earn a decent living there. I’d go nuclear several times a day…which wouldn’t be so good for business. They don’t pay you enough…
October 26th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Oh…and Mr. Middle-Aged Overweight Sports Slacks Polo Shirt And Golf Cap…? Yeah…on my way out the door I had to navigate around him because…yeah…he was blocking the exit with his overloaded shopping cart while he meticulously examined his register receipt. I wanted to strangle him with it…it had to be at least three feet long…but then I’d be blocking the door too…
October 27th, 2008 at 2:25 am
The unfortunately fortunate thing about these people is that Darwin takes them out sooner or later, but even more unfortunate for the human race is that stupid people breed in horrifyingly large numbers….more stupid people.
But one that has almost gotten me ‘blacklisted’ in airports….is when you are standing in the check-in line for half an hour to 45 minutes and before you even left the house your have your carry-on and check-in baggege sorted out, and you know better then to bring an entire extra wardrobe, make-up, library and every single electronic gadget you own….as carry-on baggage. You can get from one coast to the other in a few hours….no need to pack as though you are going to the south pole for a year.
So there I am, standing in line. Ive got my bags packed and with me, and my carry-on is usually just a lap-top, and maybe a book or a walkman, and thats it. I’m not going to be brushing my teeth and trimming my toe-nails on the flight. I only bring my laptop as carry-on because I don’t want baggage handlers smashing it…or "Losing" it.
AND I have my boarding pass, tickets, ID cards, Passport, and paper-work right there with me. Usually in ONE envelope, either in my pocket, or right in the flap of my lap-top bag. Easy access, everything I need to board a plain.
Yet for all of this time I am standing in line, every other person that gets to the counter has to start goingthrough ALL of their luggage. If its a woman, she has to dump out her extremely large purse that she thinks doubles as a second carry-on. And then she has to un-pack ALL of her stuff looking for her tickets and ID.
Yet the people standing behind her are getting frustrated and impatient…but do they learn and assimilate what they are watching, that which is holding them all up? Nope! With the 45 minutes they’ve been standing in line watching this stupidity, and grumbling about it, it hasn’t occured to them to use that time to find their OWN tickets and ID and everything so it is right there in their hand when THEY get to the counter….and very soon THEY are the one that everyone else is pissed off at.
So there was one time, in Seattles airport (Sea-tac) where I sort of lost it and from 8 people back in line just yelled "Hey why don’t ALL of you people get your tickets and IDs ready? This isn’t *MY* first flight! Can we have a special line for IDIOTS!?"
Next thing I knew, 3 airport security cops were standing around me wanting to see my ID and asking me why I was getting "out of control". To which I loudly told them "OF COURSE YOU CAN SEE MY ID AND BOARDING PASS! I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE READY TO HAND TO THE COUNTER CLERK, IT WON’T TAKE *ME* 10 MINUTES TO FIND IT!!"
They made snide comments about putting me on some list, or delaying me to make sure I wasn’t "Dangerous".
And all of the people in line just looked at me like I was an asshole….but not one single one of them made any motion to get their OWN tickets and IDs out and ready for their turn at the counter.
Selling merch, T-Shirts and such at concerts is always amazing: People suddenly act as though they have never been out of the house before, and they suddenly don’t know what size shirt they wear. And they ask the prices on EVERYTHING even though i always have a HUGE board set up with all of the items and prices listed.
The ones that want to try on T-Shirts while 45 people stand behind them, waiting for me to seperate them from their money, are yelling and grumbling…yet the person who seems to have never bought a T-Shirt before in their life acts like everyone ELSE is being a moron.
So at one concert, I dragged some of the velvet-rope stands over to my merch table, and created two lines, and made big signs that said "This line for people who know what size T-Shirt they want, and know how to make a basic purchase." and "This line for morons who don’t know their own shirt size and have appearently never been out of the house before" And as people started lining up…and someone comes through the "I know what size I wear" line, yet doesn’t know what size t-shirt they where….I simply told them "Sorry, YOU are in the wrong line, go get in the other line and I will get to you after I have served all of these people who know what size shirt they wear". Then I call to the crowd of people waiting in line "Every one who does NOT know what size shirt they wear, please get in the proper line!"
Amazing….people still don’t get it.
I hate doing retail jobs, or jobs where I have to deal with the general public…..but touring and doing concert merch IS fun enough that dealing with idiots doesn’t keep me from wanting to do it.
I think you should clean up the language in this blog entry, and send it in as a "Letter to the editor" of your paper.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
As I always like to say, "The customer is NOT always right.
Sometimes, the customer is a jackass."
One last story: My mother used to work at the same store I work (I started there a few years after she retired.) She once recounted a story of a woman who was having a hard time getting her child to behave, so she pointed to my mom and said, "If you don’t settle down, THAT WOMAN is going to hit you."
That sort of thing never happened to me, but I hope that, if it ever does, I’ll have the presence of mind to say to the kid, "But if you DO behave, your mom will buy ANY toy you want at this store-today!!"
(I am occasionally given to certain revenge fantasies when dealing with cretins. :) )