I’m such a bundle of stress lately it’s really making it hard to live my days. If I could just get some of it out of me in my art room or with my cameras I would feel a lot better. But I can’t concentrate on anything, even just mindless housework, enough to do any of it.

The best I can manage is write some stories and work on my ghost-ish novel, but that’s only because how I write. I don’t start at the beginning, I start in the middle, and write pieces of it from the inside out, then try to connect everything together and make it flow. It’s hard, but doable even in my present state.

The only time in my life I ever started at the beginning of a story and wrote through to its end was my first ever erotic short story I finished a couple days ago. It riffs on something that was bothering me and I had it practically all written out in my head even before I sat down to it (which is kinda how I do my cartoons and art drawings) and I just blasted through it in one sitting and that’s never happened to me before. I remember reading that when James HIlton got the idea for Goodbye Mr. Chips he finished it in one sitting and I could not imagine how anyone could do that, even one as short as that one was (it’s more of a novella). But I did it and I’m pretty happy with it and no one will ever see it. Connoisseurs of pronography can laugh but I’m the kid who was shocked to discover there would be group showers in Jr. High School gym. I’m the gay adult who wouldn’t take his clothes off while staying in clothing optional gay resorts at Key West and Puerto Vallarta. Normally I write my fiction on Google Docs and my essays on my blog, so I can have them to work on no matter which computer I’m sitting at. I’ve got that story locked away in one of my IronKeys. I think Google Docs censors stuff like that anyway.

I have an MRI scheduled for Monday morning at Union Memorial, and a session with a neurologist later this month. Hopefully I get some answers as to why I can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, why I’m getting more and more forgetful, and why I’m slightly dizzy all the time. I keep wanting to sit down at my drafting table and I don’t because I can’t concentrate.