Dear Amy is offended…

Gay Marriage Litmus Test for Friendship Is Offensive

DEAR AMY: I am a gay man living in California. My partner and I have raised a family and have been together for 26 years.

The California Supreme Court recently stated it is illegal not to allow gays to marry. We are thrilled.

Now that we are aging Baby Boomers, we need the protection and rights that married couples have. A proposition to change the California constitution to state that marriage "is between only a man and a woman" will appear on the November ballot, and it only needs a simple majority to pass.

The problem is that four of my best friends are women. It is important to me to know that I have their support of gay marriage. If they vote "no," it will be impossible for me to continue these friendships. I need help on how to handle this situation. — California Gay Guy

DEAR CALIFORNIA: Perhaps you should ask people how they intend to vote on the question of gay marriage before you befriend them. It would save you the trouble of having to sever the relationship later.

I understand your need to have people in your corner, but your friends are already in your corner. That’s what makes them your friends. Demanding that your friendship hinges on what people choose to do in the privacy of the voting booth is offensive.

Furthermore, you seem to assume that your women friends might not support gay marriage. Is this because they’re straight or because women are somehow more likely to want to limit the bounds of marriage? This is a sexist assumption.

I’d suggest that you tread very lightly.

Dear Amy…maybe people should be more honest about what they really think before turning us into the ‘some’ in "some of my best friends are…" 

That this guy isn’t sure how his friends will vote told you all you needed to know.  I’ve no idea why he’s making a point of their gender…it could be he’s as sexist as you think, or it could be that all his male friends are gay like himself, and he simply said "women" when he meant "straight".  I’ve met gay guys who have absolutely no straight male friends at all, but pal around constantly with their straight female friends like they’re all sisters.  But the point is he’s not sure how they will vote, and that says it all when it comes to their friendship. 

This isn’t about how they’ll vote.  This is where push comes to shove and what he wants to know is if they’re with him…in other words, are they really his friends.  I’d Suggest that it was treading lightly that got him into that situation to start with.  I’ve been there myself and I know the feeling.  All through the 70s and 80s and 90s I treaded lightly among my straight friends when I should have been fucking loud and proud and on November 2000 it bit me in the ass, and then again on November 2002 and then again on November 2004 by which time I’d finally wised up and dumped the bastards. 

Oscar Wilde was right about true friends stabbing you in the front.  I have a lot fewer straight friends now then I did before, but I don’t need to ask them how they’d vote on a same-sex marriage amendment.  The people in my life who could only go so far as extending me tolerance because they just couldn’t bring themselves to regard a homosexual as their equal are gone and suddenly I don’t have to wonder who has my back in a political knife fight.  Offensive?  Reducing this to an issue of voting booth privacy is offensive you drooling lifestyle page hack.  This isn’t about how people vote.  It’s about friendship.  When a gay man has to wonder if his friends might vote to cut off his ring finger come November he needs to know he’s been treading too lightly around them for his own good.  If they really were his friends, he would already know.

California Gay Guy needs to live a little louder and prouder around his straight friends.  Tell them he’s thrilled.  Tell them how much it means to him and his partner and his family of 26 years.   He needs to let his excitement be loud and proud.  He needs to openly and clearly make his fears about the upcoming referendum known.  Then he won’t need to ask his friends how they’ll vote.  They’ll tell him, by their expressions of joy and happiness for him and his family, and with their absolute solidarity.  Or they’ll tell him with their polite silence on the matter. 

Treading lightly is exactly what he needs to stop doing.  And if you think gay people shouldn’t get pissed off at "friends" who vote away their basic human rights then you need to grow a soul.  Friendship is love, not tolerance.