…but not entirely, thanks to a few kind people.  I got some messages from a few online pals, and my brother called and one other guy who I haven’t spoken to much since November 2004.  A few rays of light in an otherwise crappy day.  The weather was dreary, rainy, and just ugly over all.  Gray overcast sky and rain that either drizzled or poured.  And the combination temperature and humidity were almost perfectly ugly.  It was right at the point where it was almost too hot, and almost too humid…but not quite.  The moment I stepped out onto my front porch the air was just wrapping me in a suffocating blanket, but not so much that I had to run right back in.  It was perfectly balanced on the precise point between miserable and insufferable.  So the weather was in tune with my inner state at least.

I figured I’d go get myself a birthday cake.  I had it in mind to treat myself to a German chocolate cake, so I took a drive to a nearby German bakery to buy one (there are actually several here in Baltimore).  From the sound of it I figured it would be a decadent treat.  Well for those friends of mine who think I’m getting a bit too wrapped up in all things German (because of a certain someone), don’t worry.  I found out that German chocolate cake has coconut in it.  Okay…I hate coconut.  With a passion.  It’s like little plastic shavings in my mouth.  I’d as soon eat chocolate covered sawdust.  But the same bakery had a really nice looking Hazelnut Torte so a small one of those went home with me.  And a brat and kraut because I hadn’t eaten all day. 

I’ll say this…you eat some real German sausage and American hot dogs start looking a lot less appetizing.  And that’s true with a lot of European food we try to mass produce over here.  For example…I love cheddar cheese…absolutely love it.  The sharper the better.  And never more since I’ve been able to get some real English cheddar at Whole Foods.  Now I can’t even look at the domestic product anymore.  They add food coloring to it for god’s sake.  And…stiffeners…to make it behave like it’s been aged.  And American cheese…the stuff I used to eat all the time in grade school…I found out it isn’t even cheese, really.

So…anyway…I took Thursday and Friday off to have a long birthday weekend, and then basically just vegetated around the house.  Mostly because I didn’t want to spend a lot of money traveling.  The price of gasoline is still high, and I’m worried about the economy and my future at Space Telescope if NASA suffers major budget cuts.  But I am also getting tired, very tired of traveling by myself.  It isn’t fun anymore. When I got the job at Space Telescope, and had real paid vacation time for the first time in my life, and lots of it, traveling was fun.  It isn’t fun anymore.  55 and single really sucks.  In another five years I’ll be grandpa material.  That’s not exactly boyfriend material.

I think I’ve finally pinned down this feeling I’ve had for years…finally found the words to express it better.  It’s not so much loneliness.  It’s not so much uselessness.  What I feel like, is a leftover part.  Something in the bag of nuts and bolts that’s still there after the thing has been assembled. It goes in the drawer and maybe you find something to do with it someday but usually it just sits in there forever.  That’s how I feel at age 55.