I haven’t been posting much lately because I’m so damn tired all the time. Sorry. I’m still struggling with this sleep problem. It’s all I can do to drag myself to the drawing board to do my cartoons and I’m horribly behind on that too. Hopefully I’ll have this week’s up by the end of the day.

Living in a house I have all to myself is probably not helping my general health out any, a thing I’m finding both ironic and darkly amusing. They say the “Gay Lifestyle” is so bad for your health, yet I am about as far away from the scene as a person can be and my health these days isn’t all that great. I don’t drink much at all, and my casual drug use (remember, I’m a sixties kid) stopped pretty much back in the early 80s. I am not, and never have been, interested in casual hooking up. I’m a romantic. I want…no…I demand the emotional connection too. So I don’t just go trolling the bars like some people do when they feel themselves getting lonely. (No…when I feel myself getting lonely I put it into artwork that, trust me, you don’t want to see) So I’m at somewhat less at risk for HIV and other STD’s. But being constantly single is stressful on your health too, in ways science is only now beginning to appreciate. And when there is nobody in your life to nag you to take care of yourself, you tend not to.

I could be living the perfect ex-gay lifestyle right now, only not quite as miserable inside, because I’m not afraid of what the sight of a beautiful guy does to me. But that beauty seems so out of reach now, that I’m starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t just stop looking at guys anyway. It just makes me more miserable sometimes now, and it never used to do that. But then I might as well just crawl in a coffin instead of my bed, and I’m not ready for that. Celibacy is a healthy virtue only if you’re wired for it. Otherwise you’re just sleep walking through half a life like any party animal who isn’t paying attention to what they’re putting into, or doing with their body. It’s not sex that puts your health at risk, it’s alienation.

I’m shy, but I’m not this shy. I’m just too tired anymore to live a life and I wish I could fix that. So I’ve gained about ten pounds this winter, as my sleeping problems keep me sedentary. My work as a software engineer only complicates the matter: I am seated at a desk in front of a computer monitor most of my day. Then there is the drafting table. But at least I’m sometimes standing up while I’m working there. I don’t move about much any more. Except to drag myself to bed…often…during the day. And there’s nobody here to get me the hell off the bed and out the door to do something…anything…