I’m going away for a couple days to visit family.  But before I go I wanted to post this link to something Dan Savage recently wrote.  It’s about the time he found himself in the hospital, completely helpless to take care of himself, or even to give his doctors direction …

By late Sunday night, I was in so much pain I became delirious. Terry took me back to the hospital, where an emergency-room doctor took one look and admitted me. It wasn’t the flu after all—I had bacterial meningitis, a potentially life-threatening infection of the fluid in the spinal cord and the fluid that surrounds the brain. While I was curled up in a ball on the bed, the doctor tried to ask me questions. But I couldn’t answer, or consent to medical treatment; I didn’t know where I was or what was happening. So the doctor turned to Terry—who was standing across the room, DJ at his side—and asked if he could make medical decisions on my behalf.

This is the nightmare scenario for same sex couples.  One is left incapacitated in the hospital, while the other is denied even the right to be by their bedside, let alone give direction to the hospital staff.  It’s what happened to  William Robert Flanigan Jr., and Robert Lee Danial at Maryland Shock Trauma back in March of 2002. Though Flanigan had legal power of attorney for his partner Daniel, officials at the Shock Trauma Center insisted he would not be allowed his partner’s bedside. Only when Daniel’s mother arrived from New Mexico, was Flanigan allowed into Daniel’s room. By that time, Daniel had lost consciousness.  Because Flanigan was not present during Daniel’s final four hours of consciousness, Flanigan was unable to tell Shock Trauma that Daniel did not want breathing tubes or a respirator. When Daniel tried to rip the tubes out of his throat, staff members put his arms in restraints. He died two days later. 

Things turned out better for Savage and his partner Terry…

Terry quickly okayed a morphine drip (the nicest thing he ever did for me); he okayed a spinal tap (the worst thing he ever did to me); and okayed a course of powerful antibiotics. The doctors and nurses treated Terry like my spouse, like my next of kin—not just allowing him to remain at my bedside, but also empowering him to make crucial medical decisions for me in a crisis.

The next day I was sitting up, still in a great deal of pain, when the doctor came by. He directed his comments and questions to Terry, not to me; Terry was still in charge, still making medical decisions for me. The only thing I was in charge of was the button in my hand that delivered drops of morphine into my veins.

I was sent home three days later with a catheter in my chest, a cooler full of antibiotics, and a warm feeling in my heart. Wasn’t I lucky to have a boyfriend who cared so much for me? And weren’t we lucky to live in a place where our relationship was respected? The medical personnel didn’t have to treat Terry like my spouse, but they did. Our experience at the hospital left me feeling uncharacteristically optimistic.

Then the painkillers wore off.

Right.  Go read the whole thing.  If anything the experience of having their relationship treated with dignity and respect made the couple even more worried.  What if…  It could have been a nightmare.  It could have literally killed Savage because absent Terry, the doctors would have run aroung trying to contact someone who was "legally family" and the time they lost doing it could have been fatal.  It’s one thing to understand this theoretically, and another to actually live it yourself.  They were damn lucky, and they both know they were damn lucky.

The gay haters claim all we have to do to prevent the potential heartbreak here is fill out the proper forms.  But they want to bring the nightmare and the heartbreak down on us, because they hate us, because if we aren’t in pain, they aren’t righteous.  So if they say same sex couples can protect themselves in one round about way or another you know right then and there it isn’t true.  In fact, Flanigan and Daniel had filled out the proper forms and the hospital ignored them anyway.  Only having the same right to marry as heterosexuals do, will put our relationships on the same playing field as theirs.  Only an equal right to marriage will give same sex couples the kind of legitimacy they need in the eyes of others, whose snap decisions can mean life or death.