I should start a running Every Boy Needs A Good Father series a’la Dan Savage’s Every Child Deserves A Mother And A Father posts…  The Ex-Gay theorists will tell you that every boy needs a strong masculine father figure in his life to prevent his turning out queer.  Good men of strong will and aggressive manly masculine temperament like…well…this guy here…

Austrian Found Guilty of Attempted Murder with Poisoned Praline

An Austrian innkeeper has been sentenced to 20 years prison for attempting to murder his local mayor with a chocolate candy laced with poison.

Helmut O. attached the chocolate, which contained a deadly dose of strychine, to his victim’s car’s windshield wipers alongside a card that read: "You are someone very special to me." When the victim Hannes Hirtzberger, the mayor of the north Austrian town of Spitz, ate the cherry brandy praline the next day, he suddenly became ill and suffered a heart attack.

During the trial, prosecutor Friedrich Kutschera said the motive for the attempted murder had been delays in a planning application that the defendant had submitted. Helmut O. wanted his inn and its attached vineyard to be reclassified to allow construction on the site, so he could sell it or use it for a hotel project, Austrian newspaper Kurier reports on Wednesday.

Those wacky Austrians…what are you going to do with them, eh?  But seriously…what’s a man to do when effete nanny state bureaucracy gets in his way?  Kill the bastards!  There’s a real man for you.  And what else does a real man do?  Why…try to implicate his sons in the crime of course…

Throughout the proceedings Helmut O. had maintained he was innocent of the allegations. Yet, DNA evidence massively incriminated him, German news agency DPA reports Wednesday. The defendant’s genetic fingerprint was found on the inside of the deadly chocolate’s wrapper, the court had heard.

And the case against him became more convincing after his sons testified that their father had asked them to spit into a marmelade jar after police had requested DNA samples from potential suspects in the area during their investigations.

It probably never occurred to the nitwit that his sons would have the DNA signatures of both him and his wife which would make theirs clearly and obviously distinct from his, and yet would still lead police right to him once they looked at it.  Oh…it’s this one’s father…  But real men don’t think twice.