I have a confession to make.  I have this…tragic…habit of falling madly in love with guys who tell me after I’ve become completely twitterpated on them that they’re straight, and later go on to lead thoroughly heterosexual lifestyles (and yes, I am using the word ‘lifestyle’ ironically here…).  Either they tell me they’re straight, or do so in so many words.  Not always…’K'…my ex…is certainly not presenting himself as a heterosexual…at least not to his friends.  And I’ve had the random crush on guys who were unambiguously gay.  Alas, none of those ever seemed to have a crush back on me.

What I find…interesting…after having just had a brief email chat with one…is that almost without exception none of these straight guys I’ve ever crushed deeply on have ever gone on to get married.  The exception being, ironically, my first crush back in high school.  He got married, or so he says…to a girl he seems to have met in his college years, and is still married after thirty years now.  But he’s the only one of the lot who ever married.

And none of them…not a one…has ever had kids, or even expressed the slightest interest in having kids.  The only guy I’ve ever been in love with who ever expressed an interest in having kids, ironically enough, was ‘K’…the openly gay one.  And…interestingly…he Did get married.  For a little while.  After his parents pressured him into it.  Then he got divorced…and called me up…and came up to Baltimore for a visit…  But that’s another long and tragic story…

So…about a half dozen serious crushes in my life who present themselves as heterosexual.  And of the lot, only one ever got married and none have kids.  Most of them are single now, as I write this.  In their 50s.  Most of them have been single for most of their lives.

I have no idea what this means, but it isn’t random.  I take any other random group of six heterosexuals who I know and there are kids there, and the ones who don’t have any are the exception.  But there are no kids by any of the heterosexuals I’ve ever fallen in love with, and only one outright marriage.

There’s an obvious conclusion here, and maybe I just don’t want to look at it.  But at least I’m not blaming myself anymore.  Time was I used to think of myself as the cure for homosexuality that NARTH has been searching for…