Note to self: After a fight with your boyfriend, do not get drunk, do not get drunk and throw the furniture around, do not get drunk and throw the furniture around and smear tomatoes all over the walls and the floors, do not get drunk and throw the furniture around and smear tomatoes all over the walls and the floors and set the bed on fire, and especially if the furniture you’re throwing and the tomatoes you’re smearing and the fire you’re starting is in the fire chief’s historic Nob Hill house…

$1 million bail in chief’s residence fire

Bail was set at $1 million Wednesday for the San Francisco planning director’s companion, who is accused of setting fire to the historic Nob Hill residence of the fire chief where the couple were living temporarily.

Lance Farber, 47, pleaded not guilty to felony arson and vandalism in a brief appearance at the Hall of Justice, shortly before Superior Court Judge John Conway set bail.

…

Farber’s lawyer, Randall Knox, said it was an "accurate assessment" that the dispute was a lovers’ quarrel. Farber set fire to the couple’s mattress, then called Rahaim to tell him that he had done so before leaving the residence at 870 Bush St., where the men were living while they were looking for a permanent home, Knox said.

…

Farber has been "going through a difficult time" since the move from Seattle, having left behind his friends and his job, Knox said.

Thirty firefighters and several high-ranking city officials rushed to the three-story home after the fire broke out around 8:40 p.m. Friday. Police found the burning bed, overturned furniture and crushed tomatoes smeared on the floors and walls.

Damage to carpets and walls was estimated at $30,000. Some city officials said they hoped Rahaim would pay for the damage. The planning director did not return calls Wednesday seeking comment.

Farber was arrested in San Mateo County on suspicion of driving under the influence about an hour after the fire broke out.

So I’m reading this and thinking to myself that being single for so much of my life has spared me from this little rite of passage…the lover’s quarrel.  My experiences getting dumped have all been along the lines of You’re a nice guy Bruce…  I don’t get the knock down drag out never darken my door again you bastard fight at the end.  They’re always so fucking nice to me.  So I’m sitting here trying to imagine what it would take to make me want to smear tomatoes all over the walls and floors and I can’t.  Kick over some furniture…yeah…I can imagine myself doing that if I got angry enough.  Getting drunk afterwards…check.  I can grok that.  I think a basic instinct for self preservation would prevent me from setting any fires indoors.  But…tomatoes?  Tomatoes???  (sigh) There is so much about being coupled that I’ve missed out on…